#And that too- THE DOCTOR LET YASMIN GO

[wormshirt]

Thirteen and yasmin are insane because watching the show it feels like the doctor is genuinely incapable on some level of truly loving yasmin- even to the extent that she fell in love with previous companions.

Hear me out, (this is a bit of a crackpot theory) something about this regeneration, something in the way she seems to be built as a direct reaction to twelve's late-season unabashed emotionally vulnerability- the way he held onto the pain and emotions and held on HARDER when they hurt, and now thirteen wont even pick them up.

Somewhere in those few seconds of regeneration, the regeneration itself must have latched onto the previous doctor's lingering thoughts- all those thoughts, a whole lifetime thinking about how much everything HURT- of much EASIER it would be to just AVOID all of that to just IGNORE it how he didn't HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THAT. But regeneration is a bit of a tricky process isn't it? You're usually lucky enough to get the right amount of arms and legs. You'd probably have pretty poor luck if you tried politely explaining"I'm just kind of grieving pretty hard right now and my life sucks ass usually and my desire to not suffer and irrationally blame my emotions themselves for this is actually a pretty common response so please don't overreact and make me incapable of proper emotional expression and connection with the people in my life please that'll actually make this WORSE not BETTER." I mean seriously good luck trying to explain those concepts to splitting timelord cells, I can't imagine they're great with conversation.

So the twelth Doctor's dying and one of his last thoughts is "man if I cared about people less I'd suffer less" and the thirteenth doctor is born (in a sense) woth that thought at the forefront. And she still cares!- so, SO much, but... it's.. different. It's not quite CLICKING. anymore. Things that WERE easy or at least DOABLE before just AREN'T now. Or at the very least they feel WRONG. Like walking around in someone else's shoes. In an old coat that doesn't quite fit. In an old face. And then the universe dumps the doctor right into the lap of 3 new companions with no clue about space or aliens or the doctor or any of that. No idea of what the doctor was like before- of what she is capable of now or WAS capable of before, and she doesn't tell them either.

And so she's walking around and she's keeping this ravine of distance between herself and everyone and everything in a way she never has before and there's no one there to call her out on it, but she pretends! She pretends it's not there! And she's really, REALLY good at it this time- maybe because twelve regretted not being better at it himself, even (but that's a different thought). And sure the companions call her out on it, yasmin in particular calls her out on it A LOT, Ryan, too- but they still don't realise the EXTENT to which the Doctor is (failing? refusing?) to connect with them because they have ONLY EVER met THIS DOCTOR and so they don't realise how drastic the difference is. They lack the proper knowledge to REALISE what is even truly going on with the doctor. But the doctor is still the doctor aren't they. And these are still their companions. And frankly, they're still kind of a dick.

So despite their sudden inability to connect with their companions on a level the doctor has never experienced before, and despite these new companions personalities being so unique and their journey with the doctor being so hectic that the doctor and all of them keep chafing and slipping out of the same old Doctor-And-Companion molds that the doctor keeps trying to shove them all into, the doctor wont stop trying to make these old molds fit! And honestly that never ends up being a huge problem for any of them. It's just kind of an interesting aspect of the doctor- a fascinating way that they sort of dehumanize their friends, by just plopping them in a mold and replacing them when they wear out. Because of course you still care for them! But by giving them a ROLE in your life that can just be REPLACED as opposed to letting them exist as a PERSON in your life once they're gone? That makes things easier. That makes the grief easier to bear.

ANYWAYS. back to the yasmin thing. If you remember the Yasmin thing. So. Yasmin falls in love. Of course she does. And the doctor notices. Of course she does. She's old and more people have been messing with her head than usual but she's good with noticing things no matter what else changes about her. And she doesn't say anything. Because she's a timelord! And Yasmin will die, or fall in love with someone else, or turn into a cyberman, or experience one of the infinite possibilities of horrors or wonders in all of time and space that will tear them apart and the doctor will be left alone again, so what's even the point!

Except then Ryan and Graham leave. And then the Timeless Child arc happens. And it wouldn't hurt to feed into it a little would it? Just to keep Yasmin around? Just to keep her from leaving? It wouldn't hurt right? I mean Thirteen could love Yas! She does! Of course she does! Yas is her fam! Her companion! The only one who's stuck with her through it all!- who keeps calling her out, coming back for her, saving her, taking care of her, helping her- and she's grateful! And she cares about Yas! That's not so different from love, right? And love would make Yas stay! And it'd be easy! It'd take what?- a date? Two? Probably! Humans like dates! And romance! And flirting! She can do those! In all honestly she HAS been doing those- (She gets incredibly posessive of anything that becomes part of her tardis, her world, her home, and well, yasmin has been there a long time. And flirting is fun! And a sort of socially acceptable way of staking a claim isn't it? Not to mention the doctor isn't great at denying themself anything that gets another being to feed their ego.) So she leads Yas on a little. Drops hints here and there. She doesn't really know if she means them or not but she knows that she wants Yasmin to stay, that she can't even imagine Yasmin leaving. And that's love right? Or close enough anyways.

So she decides that she loves Yasmin and that she and Yasmin are "together" in a way and decides not to question it further. Because she's placed yasmin in a new companion mold and herself in a new doctor-companion relationship model, and everything's as it should be! and yasmin has no other point of reference for the doctor, so she settles for what she's given. Decides "this is all she can give. She abandoned Ace and Tegan seemingly without a second thought and didn't even apologize- I guess this is how it's always been, with every companion. That's fine! I can handle this! It's worth it for her." And in the meantime The Doctor is sitting there on the other side of the console fully aware of the fact that this is in fact NOT the limits of her affection, but she's HAPPY, or at least as happy as she will allow herself to be with Yasmin.

Yasmin though. Yasmin WANTS more, she DESERVES more and Thirteen KNOWS this, but Thirteen puts her own desire to both keep Yasmin at a distance and avoid desciphering her own feelings above Yasmin. Eventually, Dan calls the doctor out on this. Pretty much just telling her "You KNOW that she likes you. Do SOMETHING about it." The doctor doesn't say anything but does, in a later episode, sit down on a beach and make a wish with Yasmin. "I wish this would go on forever" both meaning she hopes yasmin stays with her forever and that their relationship never progresses. She has everything she needs from yas- which, for the doctor who with previously loves (i am intentionally NOT specifying romantic interests) became OBSESSED with them to the point of not just self-destruction, but universe destruction? Potential INTER-universal destruction in the case of Rose? How could THAT doctor- because YES this is a DIFFERENT DOCTOR, but this is still THE DOCTOR- ever be satisfied with the disconnected relationship she has with Yasmin if she was in love with Yasmin? If she felt THAT WAY about Yasmin? Like she had for all those comapnions that had come before Yasmin that The Doctor had fallen in love with?

[master-missysversion]

Unpopular opinion but I think i wouldve taken about 10 more hugs + one instance of hand holding over a thasmin kiss

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

whump episode of all time look at this poor baby

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

David Tennant interview at the British LGBT Awards, June 2024 (x)

Int: You being an ally to the community isn't something new. You've been doing it, but recently you've obviously really stepped up for trans and non-binary people in a time that's so, so needed. What made you do that?

David: I don't know that I feel like I've done anything that I wouldn't just sort of be normally doing. I mean, it's for me it's just common sense that there's there should be any suggestion that people aren't allowed to live the life they want to live and and to be who they want to be with and to express themselves wholeheartedly. I mean, as long as you aren't hurting anybody else, everybody else just needs to fucking butt out. I don't really understand why...

Int: ...it's controversial.

David: Yeah, there is and the thing... the thing, if there's something that's particularly sobering and depressing, it's that certain debates are being weaponized by certain elements of the political class, often for no... it seems it's not ideological so much as opportunistic. And I just think that's pretty disgusting, really.

Int: I couldn't agree more. What message would you like to send out to trans youth?

David: Please don't feel like you're not loved and that you're not accepted and that you're not... you know, most people in the world are good and kind and just want you to be able to be who you are. Most people in the world don't really care. I mean... you know what I mean?

Int: We're all narcissistic.

David: Exactly. Everyone's so self obsessed that really, the sort of noise that comes from a certain area of the press and of the political class is... it's a minority. It really is. And please don't let that make you feel diminished or dissuaded or discouraged, because, you know, you just... you have to be allowed to be yourself, and you are, and you are yourself and you must thrive and flourish, and we're all here for it.

Int: Amazing. I think, yeah, it's so important .I think sometimes it feels like there's so many people, but it is a minority. It's such a minority.

David: It's a tiny bunch of little whinging fuckers that are on the wrong side of history and they'll all go away soon.

Int: Like what happened with gay people 20 years ago.

David: When I was a kid, when I was a kid, exactly. You know, I was at school when Clause 28 came in and it all felt like being gay was something to be terrified of. And gay men in particular were demonised as paedophiles and now that just feels historic and ludicrous and, I mean, I don't see all those... all those battles aren't won, but we're in a very, very different place. And I feel like.I feel like history is on a progressive trajectory and it might get knocked sideways now and again by people for all sorts of reasons, which are often quite selfish and quite, as I say, not coming from a place of any sort of genuine belief system, but other than a place of opportunism. And that's something that we... I hope that in 20 years time, we're talking about, you know, these culture wars as something of the past.

Int: I believe we will. I'm a huge Doctor Who fan, so.

David: Oh, good, me too!

Int: You are my Doctor.

David: Oh, thank you very much.

Int: But recently, obviously, you came back for the 60th anniversary and you got to work with Yasmin Finney.

David: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Int: What was it like working with her?

David: Oh, she's brilliant. She's fantastic. Yeah. And she's in the show again now, she's back in it, so that's fantastic to see. She's lovely, talented, cool as a cucumber, articulate, brilliant. I learned a lot from her as an actor and also as someone who, you know, who's become a sort of de facto activist just because of who she is and where she is, and she becomes a sort of symbol of hope, and she's wonderful.

[momolady]

Chicory the Tiefling: Part Two

Female Reader x Male Monster Hurt Comfort - Amnesia - Healing - Love Returns Part One

There was an explosion at the tower. It started a fire, and from there everything is this horrible blur. You managed to get the animals out as best you could, and you think everyone is accounted for now. But-

Chicory stayed behind to save some of his inventions, his journals, and you fear it may have been too much on him. Nictis graciously took you in, giving you an entire wing of his home. Yasmin arranged for constant care for Chicory. But he still has not fully come to.

“The smoke was one thing,” Nictis murmured as he served you tea. “But everything else inside that tower of his? I’m sure his concoctions and gears catching fire only worsened things. But not to worry! We’ve gotten a great doctor and nurses to help aid our dear Chicory.”

You sat there dumbfounded, still covered in smoke and ash. You had been so wound up in caring for the animals and Chicory, you’d barely had a chance to take care of yourself. Posey hadn’t left your side the whole while. She sat there, quite comfortable but vigilant.

Yasmin came into the room, wearing clothes that didn’t seem to suit the wife of a lord. Rather, she looked like you.

“I got the pygmy alligators into the lake, they seem quite happy.” She hold up a bitten finger wrapped in a bandage. “They’re quite lovely.”

“Oh, my dear.” Nictis took her hand, holding his gently despite his boney facade.

I looked up, taking a cup of tea Yasmin offered. “Are you alright?” She asked. “I can run you a bath if you wish.”

Shakily, you brought the tea to your lips and drank.

“It’s been a few days, you should rest,” Yasmin insisted.

I shook my head. “Not until I know he is going to be okay.”

Yasmin took a gruff look, but Nictis’ hand upon her shoulder reeled her back. “What else can you do for him now?” The lord asked. “He is resting, breathing in cleansing herbs so the smoke will leave his body. You need to take care of yourself now, or else, down the road, you might not be able to care for anyone. When is the last time you had a full meal?”

I gulped, feeling the sting of hot liquid against my tongue. “What if something happens while I am away?”

“He has nurses by his side,” Yasmin said with a reassuring smile. “And the doctor is close by so we can call at any second.”

Posey meowed, giving you her wide eyed look which seemed to echo their sentiment. Take care of yourself.

You let out a heavy sigh. “I can’t remember when I last had a meal,” I admitted, giving into their care and worry.

Yasmin jumped at the chance. “I’ll get a bath prepared for you, and some clean clothes as well. You and I seem about the same size. And I’ll make you something to eat!”

Nictis seemed to want to say something as she darted off, but he kept his skull shut. “She is strong willed,” he murmured. “Comes from her meager background, it made her stronger than me, I think.” He glanced at me, concern somehow written on his face. “Chicory will be fine. I promise. He is my friend, a great one in fact, and I will do all I can to help him.”

“Thank you,” you murmured.

Nictis nodded. “Yes, well, it is the least I can do. He’s done so much for me and Yasmin.” He cleared his throat and looked down at the tea seat.

Yasmin came and fetched you later. She poured you a hot bath, sticking around to wash and care for your hair.

“I could have done this,” you murmured.

“Relax, you deserve a bit of pampering.” Yasmin said, scrubbing your scalp. “Would you have had the strength to do this?”

You don’t think so. You probably would have sat in that hot water and drifted away.

“There we go.” She rinsed out your  hair. She wrung it out and started running some sort of cream through it.

“What are you doing?” You asked.

“Trust me, your hair is going to look amazing! While you’re here, you’re going to receive the royal treatment.” Her hands felt good running through your hair and scalp. “I am not some fancy lady you know? I was raised in Obresh.”

You leaned your head back to look up at her. “Nictis said something like that.”

She smirked. “Did he also tell you he bought me?”

Read the rest over on Patreon!

There's also a remaster of part one! Only available to patrons.

[specialmedicalcentre]

Kezia's Anesthesia

The operating table was harder than she thought it would be. They look padded in the photos, Kezia thought.

She sat on the end of the black vinyl table, legs uncomfortably hanging over the edge. It was smaller than she imagined it would be, too. How was she going to fit? The gown they put her in was loosely draped over her, and she was acutely aware of it being open in the back. All she wore were her panties. The room smelled of…plastic? Maybe rubber. Everything felt alien to her.

"We're almost ready, Kezia," Nurse Farah touched her gently on the shoulder. "How are you doing?" She smiled. It was hard to see anything besides her eyes, as she was dressed for surgery with a mask and pink cap on.

Kezia shrugged her shoulders. "Okay, I guess." She tried to smile back, and her lip quivered a little. Her heart was pounding.

"Dr. Kim will be here any moment, and then we'll get started."

Kezia watched Nurse Farah continue to bustle around the room, getting things ready. She was gathering things that Kezia had no idea about. Despite the fact that it was all supposed to be for her comfort, Kezia felt nothing but anxiety at everything she saw. Wires, tubes, bags…ideas swirled in her head.

The other nurse - Kezia didn't know her name - turned on a machine up on a stand that had wires attached to it. It beeped and the nurse started typing things into it. She saw her name flash by.

Kezia L.; F, 25; 55kg; non-paced; Adult w/EKG…

She took a deep breath, and her body erupted in goosebumps.

"Yasmin?" Nurse Farah called quietly to the second nurse, and now Kezia knew her name. "Set up for SpO2 and BIS as well."

Nurse Yasmin nodded as she pressed buttons on the machine. "Got it, ok." Subtly, and for the briefest moment, Nurse Yasmin glanced over at Kezia.

Kezia was lost in her thoughts, watching Nurse Farah arranging a long, clear tube, when the door to the OR opened with a sudden sound. She turned to see a compact, slender woman enter dressed in green scrubs. Kezia was struck by how she immediately seemed to command the room. She strode right over to the table.

"Hello, Kezia," she said, but obviously didn't extend her gloved hand. "I'm Dr. Kim, and I'll be your anesthesiologist today. Ready to take a nap?" Her curt grin barely showed behind her mask. She had beautiful eyes; light brown, with long eyelashes.

"Hi." Kezia said. She had trouble getting anything else out. "…I…" She stammered.

"Don't be nervous, Kezia, we'll take great care of you. It'll be easy - all you have to do is sleep." Dr. Kim turned to Nurse Farah, briefly. "We ready?"

Farah nodded. "All set, Doctor."

"Great, let's go."

The room seemed to shift into action at Dr. Kim's word. Nurse Yasmin begain collecting wires and hoses near the machines and Nurse Farah came to Kezia. "Let's get you laying down, honey. Just scootch back a little…there, that's it. Now lay back - here, your head goes right on this cushion." Kezia, guided by Farah, found herself laying back on the operating table, her legs still dangling. The vinyl was a cold shock against her backside, which was bare except for her panties. She stirred in response. "Oh, is it cold?" Farah smiled. "It'll warm up quickly. Now your legs, here we go."

Before Kezia could respond, the nurse deftly adjusted something, and two padded legrests were swung into place. Oh, that's how that works, Kezia realized. They jutted out in slightly angled directions from the table, and were the same color as the table vinyl. Farah helped Kezia lift her legs and get them onto the rests. Soon Kezia was laid out flat, her legs slightly spread on the padded legrests. She was surprised - it wasn't as uncomfortable as it had been. Maybe it was meant to lie on, not sit on?

As Kezia was getting settled into place, Dr. Kim moved to the wall behind her where a touchscreen allowed her to bring up Kezia's case. "Okay, Kezia, so you're here because of persistent cholecystitis, is that right?"

Kezia was busying herself with trying to settle into position. She unsuccessfully tried to look up behind her, over her right shoulder. "Um…what?"

"You're having gall-bladder surgery today, is that right?" Dr. Kim clarified.

"Y-yes, that's right." Kezia spoke to the ceiling, unable to turn her head to see Dr. Kim. Her head was cradled in a weird little foam cushion. She felt awkward.

Kezia heard Dr. Kim tapping on the screen. "And how are you feeling today? Any discomfort, any issues?"

Kezia tried to think clearly. "No, but…I had pain yesterday. None today."

To the side, Kezia saw Nurse Yasmin approach her with a blue something in her hands. She spoke softly. "Hi, Kezia, I'm just going to put this cap on to keep your hair secure, ok? It might feel a bit crinkly." Yasmin stretched the elastic headband of the bouffant cap over Kezia's hair as Kezia shifted her head to let her fix it in place. The material crinkled audibly as she lowered her head back on the contoured head cushion. The look on Kezia's face caught Yasmin's attention. She smiled down at Kezia. "Oh, that’s just the cap making that sound, sweetie. You won't notice after a while."

The cap started out cool against Kezia's forehead but began to warm right away.

Dr. Kim continued. "Abdominal pain? Or, somewhere else? Any trouble breathing? " Her questions were rapid.

"No…uh, abdominal. Like, here," she touched her left side, under her breast. And no, breathing is…ok." Almost unconsciously, Kezia took a deep breath for effect. The cap crinkled in her ears.

"Mmm-hmm. Okay, no allergies to meds I can see…" Dr. Kim trailed off. "You've recently complained of intestinal discomfort, any diarrhea recently?"

Kezia blushed. God. "Oh. Ah, yesterday. Yeah, some…diarrhea." She didn't know where this was going, and she couldn't help blushing.

"Farah," Dr. Kim spoke in a different tone. "I think we should prep for flatus bag if we can do that."

As Farah spoke, Kezia turned her head to the left to see her. "Ok. Want to start without first?"

"Yes, that's fine." Kezia had no idea what they were talking about.

"Kezia," Dr. Kim leaned in enough for Kezia to see her directly overhead. "Do you have any questions for me?"

Kezia tried to clear her throat, and all she managed was a squeak. "I've…never…you know, gone under before. The, the mask, it's kinda - I dunno." Kezia heard the nurses moving around. "…needles make me really nervous." She managed, finally. Her heart was pounding, and she could swear they could hear it in her voice.

"I understand." Dr. Kim nodded, and looked up briefly at the nurses. We'll take this one step at a time, ok?" Kezia felt herself nodding. "Let’s start with something easy — let's get the pulseox on you so I can see your oxygen levels." Again, Dr. Kim looked up.

Kezia heard Nurse Farah. "Yas, go ahead and start." Nurse Yasmin was standing to Kezia's right side; behind her was an array of machines and readouts, all with wires and tubes attached.

"Kezia," Yasmin reached behind her, picking up a small something with a wire attached. Touching Kezia's hand, she said "I'm going to put this on your finger, ok? It doesn't hurt - just a little squeeze." Kezia held up her hand at Yasmin's gentle touch, and a white plastic clip squeezed her finger. It glowed with a weird red light. Just as she lowered her hand, a soft beeping sound came from somewhere to her right - it was in time with her pounding heart. And it sounded fast.

"98, HR 85." Yasmin said.

"Mm-hmm, thank you." Dr. Kim responded. Kezia heard her tapping on the touchscreen. "Can you also prep IV, please?"

Yasmin appeared to look over at Farah, who was on Kezia's other, left side. She looked back down at Kezia. "Kezia, sweetie, I'm going to get you set up with an IV. It'll be quick, ok?" Kezia nodded. "Okay. First I'm going to…"

"Gown first." Nurse Farah gently interrupted. "Kezia, let me get your arms out of this, okay, honey? That'll make tings easier. Here we go." Nurse Farah helped slip the gown off Kezia's arms, deftly unclipping and replacing the pulseox monitor. Instinctively, Kezia drew her hands in to cover her breasts. "Here, let's cover you for a bit." Nurse Farah arranged the gown as a sort of sheet, covering up Kezia's chest and leaving her arms free. "There we are."

Nurse Yasmin smiled; she had turned away from the table to grab a small tray. "Okay, right! First, just let me put this one here…" Awkwardly, Nurse Yasmin wrapped a soft blue strap around Kezia's right arm, tightening it uncomfortably. "Just want to find a vein, sweetie." She palpated Kezia's forearm a bit. Despite her fear, Kezia couldn't help but watch. "Great," Yasmin said, seemingly satisfied. "Now, I'm just going to swab you with alcohol first. A little cold." Yasmin pressed firmly on the skin of Kezia's arm, wiping several times. In her other hand, she held a long tube that Kezia couldn't see. "Okay, Kezia, just a little pinch now, okay? Here we go. Deep breath."

Kezia tried to look at the ceiling. There was a light there, and some other things hanging over the table…"Ow!" She yelped. She was surprised to find that she almost felt she was about to cry. There was a sharp pain and a longer, searing burn as Yasmin inserted the IV cannula.

"All done." Still pressing down on the site, Yasmin started to apply medical tape, securing a short tube to Kezia's arm. She covered the IV site with a clear bandage and connected a clear tube to it that dangled off the table. "Just leave this still, sweetie." Yasmin unstrapped the blue tourniquet from Kezia's arm and turned away, busying herself with something else. Kezia stared at the IV site, where a clear tube exited the tape, and several other thicker tubes of different colors dangled.

Nurse Farah saw her staring. "All good, Kezia?"

Kezia looked to her left, where Farah was standing. She had a blue package in her hand. "It's…it's my first IV. So weird."

Farah smiled. "I'm sure a lot of this is new, honey. You're doing great. Isn't she, Dr. Kim?" Farah looked up to the anesthesiologist, who was still tapping away on the digital chart.

"She certainly is." Dr. Kim didn't sound as enthusiastic as Nurse Farah, Kezia thought. Maybe she was in a hurry. "Farah, BP, please."

Farah moved toward Kezia. "Right here. Okay, Kezia, let me put this on you." She unrolled the package in her hand to reveal a bright blue long blood pressure duff attached to a hose. "You know this, right? Just a BP cuff. Here, lift your arm for me, honey." Farah deftly slipped the cuff under Kezia's arm and, pulling it snug, flattened the cuff to the velcro strip. She smoothed it firmly on Kezia's arm and routed the hose underneath. "There; just relax and let the cuff do the work." She smiled again. The cuff was a distinct feeling on her arm; odd, but not unfamiliar. She felt it brush against her breast. "Yas, could you…" Farah trailed off.

"Hmm?" Yasmin looked across Kezia at Farah. "Oh! Of course." Turning to the bright screen behind her, Yas touched part of it and the cuff stirred into life. With a distinct whirring from somewhere, Kezia felt the cuff tighten around her arm. She couldn't fight the urge to lift her arm up.

"Oh, honey, just relax it, ok?" Farah gently guided Kezia's arm back down onto the table as the cuff continued to inflate. "There."

"Mmph." Kezia grunted involuntarily. She could hear the velcro straining as the cuff reached its limit.

"Too tight?" Farah asked. Kezia nodded, staring at the distended cuff. Her arm felt swollen. "It might be the first time, honey. But you're a healthy girl and that should relax over time." The cuff began to deflate, in steps, clicking and hissing as it released her. She felt the blood rush back into her arm as something on her right beeeeeped. For the first time, Kezia saw her pulse jumping on the screen, a little blue line pulsing with every blip of the monitor. Below that line a pair of big numbers appeared.

"131/90." Farah said, out loud, to the room.

Kezia heard Dr. Kim from behind her. She was sitting down, now; her voice was closer to Kezia's head. "Let's give her a bit. Kezia, try to relax. Deep breaths. You're doing great. Farah, let's get the EKG going. Resp as well, please."

"On the way." Farah said, curtly. "Okay, Kezia, now we're going to get you set up on the EKG. Ever have one of those?" Kezia shook her head, her anxiety building. With the BP cuff, the IV, and the pulseox, she already felt like a medical experiment. She couldn't imagine any more. "Well, I'm going to place some stickers on your chest so we can see what your heart is doing. Okay? Just a few little pads. Now…I'm going to have to remove this for now, honey." Farah motioned to the hospital gown that was still partially covering Kezia's chest.

"Umm…why?" Kezia was getting a stomachache.

"Honey, the EKG goes on your chest. Don't worry, now, it's just for a minute, okay?" Farah touched Kezia on her bare shoulder.

"O…okay." Kezia managed. Farah gently lifted the gown, bundling it up as she lifted it off Kezia's body. Kezia felt the air of the OR wash over her chest and abdomen; as her toplessness flashed into view, she closed her eyes. She still had on the panties she dressed in this morning, but she felt completely exposed.

"Yas," Farah asked. "Can you hand me the EKG, please?" Kezia opened her eyes. Yasmin dangled a loose set of wires across Kezia's body. At the end of each wire was a white square patch. "These are the electrodes, honey." Farah held one up for Kezia to see: a soft square sticker with a wire snapped onto it. Kezia watched as Farah peeled the backing off one. "Here," she said. "I'm going to stick this one down on your shoulder." She pressed the electrode to the skin of Kezia's shoulder, just above the BP cuff. It was cold, almost as if it was wet - but it wasn't. It stuck there, Farah rubbing it down in brisk circles. It felt weird, and Kezia was keenly aware of the wire pulling against her skin as Farah arranged the rest of them.

In about a minute, Kezia had electrodes all across her chest, under her breast, and just above her pantyline. They felt like extra layers of skin, and she felt the cold wires draped across her body. She was almost too terrified to speak. "There we go, Kezia, you look great. See? You can watch your heart beat." Farah pointed across her body to the vitals monitor, where Yas was pressing buttons. Kezia saw three green lines jumping and pulsing across the screen; they made little spikes as the electronic sounds of her pulse echoed in the room.

It was fascinating. Just to punctuate the moment, the bp cuff whirred into life again, startling Kezia.

"It's okay, honey - it's going to do this every five minutes." Kezia audibly moaned as the cuff squeezed her. After an eternity, another beeeeep.

"There we go. 127/85." Farah said, the distinct sound of satisfaction in her voice. "Coming down."

"Good," Dr. Kim spoke up from behind Kezia. "How's her EKG?"

Farah rattled off numbers that made Kezia dizzy to listen to. “HR 82. No PVCs, looks good. ST segment normal, QT…360.”

"Ok, I think we're ready to go." Dr. Kim said, finally.

Kezia breathed carefully, feeling the electrodes tug at her skin all over. She was acutely aware of her body and the things that they had attached to her. "Am…I ok, Farah?" Her voice caught in her throat. She was embarrassed that a tear fell from the corner of her eye; she felt it roll back behind her neck, lost in the rustling plastic of the bouffant cap.

Farah leaned over and touched her arm, right where the BP cuff ended. Her hand was warm. "You're doing great. We're almost there." She winked, then looked across Kezia at Yasmin. "Hand me the BIS, would you, Yas?"

Nurse Yasmin produced another thing connected to a wire; this one looked like a long piece of thick tape with lines and shapes all over it. Farah peeled off the backing, and Kezia realized it was another thing they were going to stick on her. "What's that?" She asked. She held her body very still.

Farah held it up for her to see. "This is called the BIS sensor, honey. It tells us how deep you're sleeping." She moved towards Kezia's face. "I'm just going to press this riiiiight on your forehead." And she did, rubbing it lightly just above Kezia's brow. She could feel it when she wrinkled her nose, and the weirdness combined with the rustling of the bouffant cap, which was starting to feel warm and humid against the skin of her scalp.

Something beeped. "BIS 99." Farah said.

"Okay, Kezia," Dr. Kim spoke from Kezia's blind spot. "We're going to start with sedation now. Are you ready?"

Kezia could see Farah smiling at her. She took a deep breath, and after a moment's delay, she answered. "Okay…I'm ready."

"I'm going to put a mask over your nose and mouth, and this will just be some oxygen for now, ok?" Kezia saw Dr. Kim's hand lowering a black mask with a surprisingly thick hose attached. There was an overwhelming scent of rubber, and then the mask was on her before she could think of protesting. The edge was a soft seal against her face and a cool breeze seemed to fill her nose and mouth. It was utterly alien, and she could feel everything attached to her body. Just as a test, she wiggled her fingers and tensed her muscles. She felt the cuff, the electrodes, the wires…

"Breathe normally, honey," Farah said, watching the monitors. "Resps 20. Deep and slow, Kezia. You got this."

Kezia tried to slow her breathing. Something beeped to her right, and her cuff inflated again. "129/85." Farah said, when it was done.

"Still ok." Dr. Kim said. "Kezia, now we're going to put some medication into your IV, ok? Just something to make you feel relaxed. You might feel warm up your arm as it goes in." At her right, Kezia could see over the edge of the mask that Yasmin had a syringe of something. She felt the nurse press against her IV site, and then there was a burning feeling - but just for a moment. Her arm felt warm.

"It's warm." Kezia said, under the mask, but it came out almost unintelligible. Now her chest was warm, too.

"You're doing great, Kezia." Dr. Kim said. "BP, please." There was a beep and her cuff inflated again. Kezia felt weird, detached. The cuff wasn't as tight as it shoudl have been. She started to feel heavy.

"123/75." Someone said.

"That's the midazolam, we'll watch that. Fent is next. How are you doing, Kezia?" Was that Dr. Kim talking?

"…kaaaay. Mmm." The mask started to smell sweet. That was weird.

"Fent going in." Maybe that was Yasmin. Kezia felt a brisk cold rush in her arm, then her head spun. "Getting a BP." Whirr. Squeeze. Beeeep. "115/68 now."

"Ok, let's watch that. Should come up a bit." Then something she didn't really catch. "…okay, you can cath her now."

"Kezia, honey, I'm just going to remove your panties now, ok?" Farah was right at her left ear. Kezia felt like she was on the table with her, she sounded so close. "We need to put in a catheter to make you comfortable, ok?"

Kezia wasn't sure how to argue, she felt light-headed and she couldn't really focus. But she wanted to scream. She thought she shook her head but she wasn't sure. "ohhh…no, naaaa…" she trailed off.

"Just relax, Kezia, deep breaths." Dr. Kim was still there? Kezia felt the mask press a little firmer. Kezia's eyes swirled around the room.

From somewhere way below her, Kezia heard Farah. "Okay, Yas, Foley please? Thanks. Watch her legs." Louder, she said, "I'm removing them, honey, here we go." Kezia felt the cool room air on her crotch, and her panties slipping down her legs. She couldn't fight. Her legs were lifted slightly, the nurses bending them at the knees.

There was a shuffle of sensations connected only by the place they were occurring, just in the region of Kezia's pelvis. Cool wipes, soft fabric, gloved hands…then the abrupt piercing weirdness of something going inside her.

"Aaaaaa." Was all Kezia could manage.

"Almost there, Kezia, you're doing great." More quietly, "…okay, balloon up, we're in."

Kezia felt like she was peeing, and she moaned softly in sedated panic. The cuff again, and a beep.

"122/83. Looks great. BIS 71."

"Okay, last of the meds now, Kezia, you'll be sleeping soon." Someone touched her gently on the forehead, almost like they were brushing her eyelids. Were her eyes closed or open? She couldn't really tell.

"Prop going in - go slow, Yasmin." Kezia's ears started to ring, and she felt her cheeks flushing. She breathed slowly, methodically. The machines beeped and whirred, the cuff squeezed, and her pee ran down a tube and into a bag.

As she was winking out, she thought she heard one last thing. "…sanitary…rectal tube…okay, roll her…"

=====

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[storiesbyjes2g]

3.128 Fired

We arrived at home late that night loaded down with more gifts than the nursery could hold. If we received one more thing, we'd have to start a warehouse in the empty bedroom. We got so much stuff, we could probably support six more babies, heh. Baby girl could use a different towel every day of the week for the rest of her childhood. We had enough shampoo and lotion to last the rest of her life, it seemed like. If one day she entered a nobody loves me phase, I'll be sure to remind her of this scene.

Sophia had never been a busybody and always took a more relaxed approach to life, but I was glad to see her following the doctor's orders. She spent a lot of time on our balcony, rocking in the chair early morning, thinking about whatever expecting mothers think about. Sometimes I'd catch her reading on the couch. Seeing her take the warning seriously made me feel good about leaving her alone for a few hours to visit Maira. I thought about it in the shower, and visiting her before the baby was born was the move. Who knew when I'd be able to spend quality time with her after that.

Like I always, I began our conversation with an apology, but she didn't fault me, of course. She said it wouldn't have been right for me to neglect all my guests to hang with her all afternoon. That was true, but I still didn't like that she was alone all day. She assured me that she was okay, so I asked about her brother.

"He died in a fire," she said.

"Oh, gosh! I'm so sorry, Maira."

I never liked him, but he didn't deserve to die like that.

"Knowing he's not here anymore is its own challenge, but what makes it worse is when I think about the fire, I often think about us."

I swallowed a few times because I knew exactly where she was going, and it made me nervous.

"I think about how you held me when you realized I was okay and what we both felt."

I couldn't move or even blink and sat there, holding my breath, hoping she wasn't about to pull a Yasmine on me. Finding good friends had been a long journey, and I felt like I had a nice inner circle now. I didn't want to lose Maira because of her feelings for me. I also didn't need her digging things back up because I had worked hard to let that go.

"Sometimes I think about that moment and I wish I would have given in," she continued. "We could have tried to see if we would work. I imagine myself married to you and pregnant with your baby. My parents would finally be proud of me."

I wanted to stop her from talking so she wouldn't say something that would ruin our friendship, but I was frozen. This was a mistake. I wanted to be a better friend, but we couldn't be alone together anymore.

"All of that is nice to think about," she continued, "but I would be miserable. And you would get fed up with me. We wouldn't be friends anymore. Life turned out exactly how it was supposed to, and I wouldn't change a thing. I like how we are, and I like my life. It's just lonely sometimes, and I wonder if I'm missing out on something."

I exhaled the breath I held and blinked, finally. I could keep my friend. As uncomfortable as that was to hear, I loved that we were able to be that honest with each other. That's true friendship right there.

"Everyone has their own opinions about what you should be doing with your life, so I don't think there's a right or wrong answer for that," I said. "I think as long as you're happy with your life, no one else's opinion matters."

"Yeah. You're right. That's what I say to myself. But you know how it is."

"Yeah. It's a battlefield up there."

"Seriously."

"So...there's no one you're interested in right now?" I asked, trying to pivot the conversation...and maybe be a tiny bit nosy.

"No, and it's all your fault. You ruined me!"

"Me? How??"

"You set the bar way too high! No one else can measure up!"

"Oh please. I'm sure there's plenty of guys out there who are way better catches than me."

"I assure you, there aren't."

"I don't believe that for a second. Ooh, I should set you up with my friend Justin."

"That guy who comes to all your parties? He's kinda cute. What's up with him?"

"He's a landscaper and lives in San Myshuno. He comes from a big family just like you and is a good man...a bit older than us, but at least he won't bother you about children."

"Oh-my-Watcher you're trying to set me up with an OLD man??"

"He's not that old...I think."

"You are officially fired from matchmaking, thank you!"

I missed our banter. It felt good to laugh with her again. Hopefully, she would let someone into her life soon. She didn't need a man, but it was obvious she wanted some kind of companionship, and I was not the man for the job. Besides, she deserved to be loved and cherished, and I wanted to see her happy for once.

"The baby will be here in a couple of days, huh?" she asked.

"Sure will. I can't wait to meet her."

"So, is this the first of many, or..."

I sighed, realizing this would be the first time I admitted this out loud.

"She might be it for us. At least if we want more, we'll have to adopt."

"Whaaat?"

"Yeah. We went through a lot to get her. Sophia says she doesn't want to do it again."

"Are you cool with adoption?"

"Oh yeah, totally. You know Sophia's adopted, right?"

"Really? I don't think I knew that. It's funny...I've known her almost my whole life, but I've never really known her until now."

Was it bad that I often forgot she and Rashidah were sisters? They rarely spoke of each other, and Sophia and Rashidah seemed closer than the sisters.

"Yeah, she is," I said. "And she's got quite a story. But yeah... We're both open to it, but actually doing it is another story."

"Well, whatever happens, I'm glad you two are finally getting your family. I can't wait to meet your kid!"

"Oh yeah? I thought you didn't like children."

"I never said that! I don't want my own children; I love the auntie life! I think my first order of business will be teaching her forbidden words!"

"Oh Watcher. Here we go."

[thelonelyshore-if]

How would the Ro's react to finding out Mc is hiding their injurie? 👀

Very fun question, let's go!! Answers below the cut.

Beck: "Fuck, are you okay? You should have told me sooner--we need to get you to a hospital or something!" Beck is decent at keeping her cool during an emergency, and blood and wounds don't bother her. That being said, she's scared of MC dying or being badly injured, and that would make her panic.

Croft: "Come on, why hide it? I can help. Come here--let's fix this mess" Croft doesn't really panic, but seeing MC hurt would unsettle them. They'd do what they could to tend to MC's wounds and help to the best of their ability, lecturing them all the while.

Jay: "That doesn't look good...but it's okay. I'm here. I'll bandage that up, and then we can get you to the hospital. Hold tight. I'll take care of you." Jay would be right there ready to help. They'd straight up carry MC to safety if necessary. As part of their S&R training they know first aid, so they'd patch MC up as much as they could. They'd do their best to comfort MC all the while.

Perri: "Uhhh that d-doesn't look too good. Are you, like...okay??" Perri's voice would hitch up, They aren't great with blood or injuries, at all. Even worse because it's MC. They'd honestly have a panic attack ngl. Especially because they couldn't figure out why MC was hiding it.

Ravi: "It isn't wise, hiding your injuries. What happens if you drop dead and nobody knows the issue? You need to actually think." He'd lecture the MC, all the while he'd pull them to the side and check out their wounds. He knows when wounds are serious, and he'd do what he could to help. Ravi would be incredibly calm--almost to the point of coldness--but you could hear the worry laced into his words.

Yasmin: "You think you're being brave, huh? It's cute, but you're being stupid. Give me a second and I'll put you back together." She spent a few years studying to be a doctor. She's not an expert, but she can do simple first aid. She'd be chiding and playful, trying to be lighthearted about it. All the while she'd be incredibly focused on making sure the MC is alright.

[sarandipitywrites]

Snippet Sunday

this sounds fun, so here we go! have some alchemical fuckery with Vy from Spark Signature:

Kettle: boiling. Cinnamon, hibiscus, and mugwort: crushed. Blood: muddled into the herbs. Vy pours it all into an Erlenmeyer and sets a one-minute hourglass. It’s neon red by the time it’s done; electric blood. Spark and thunder.

They lie down on their bed, the flask on the small table beside it. The sheets are soft, smelling faintly of dried lavender and chamomile. Batting down another wave of gratitude, Vy takes a deep breath, lets it out, and drinks the potion in a single swallow.

They’ve known about Spark sight for a long time—found it on a forum once, ran the calculations again and again until they were sure they’d gotten all the components down to the perfect ratio—but, considering the fact that life as a bartender doesn’t put them in contact with many corpses, they’ve never had cause to actually drink the stuff. Grisly implications notwithstanding, the flavor alone makes them want to go back to that.

Once the heady floral notes pass their olfactory receptors, the spice hits. Cinnamon and bitterness, earthy in a way that makes their nose scrunch. Then that passes, too, and they’re left with fruity, toe-curling tartness. The sensation lifts them up, off the blankets, over the mattress, through the ceiling and into the atmosphere. Then it lets go, and they’re falling into black.

When they open their eyes, the world is deeper—stranger. But this Vy doesn’t gawk at the way they can focus on the FMA office or the pedestrians milling in front of it at will; for this Vy, depth perception is normal. Which means that they can’t be Vy anymore.

They’re Doctor Hayden Poole, and they’re late.

Spark Signature taglist (ask to be added or removed): @leah-yasmin-writes, @unrepentantcheeseaddict, @ceph-the-ghost-writer, @mundanemoongirl

[possibilistfanfiction]

I absolutely adore the chef/sommelier au and always find so much comfort in your writing. i have a few questions/prompts if you’re interested in any of these:

1) how did they meet? were they part of the same circles and crushing from afar until they finally had the chance to work together? or did they have a more classic meet cute?

2)Ava mentions that she knows Beatrice prefers to eat in the kitchen rather than the restaurant and I would be curious about any backstory behind how Ava came to learn this.

3) one of those foodie travel adventures where they eat their way through X city or cities

ok so this is no1 but has hints of the other two (which i love & will maybe write later!)

also i guess... this turned into platonic bea & lilith are in love. who knows lol

//

you've known beatrice for so long now, you really should've seen this coming.

for as annoying as she is, she's remarkably talented — something that had made you frustrated with her, and yourself, for years during culinary school. beatrice's food is true to who she is: wholly precise and quietly playful, elegant and creative, and really, really warm. thoughtful. surprisingly fun. you've always been able to tell: your technical skills are the best in the world, better than hers or anyone else you've ever met, and your palette is exquisite; you run a kitchen with quiet authority, and each dish comes out on time, exactly as it's supposed to. you are very good at your job. but beatrice makes food — elevated chinese and european fusion dishes, whatever she's most interested in at the moment — that makes you want to cry in its capacity to comfort. not that you would ever admit it, but you have stepped away to the bathroom on a handful of occasions to do just that.

she's more your sister than anything else — your little sister, you make sure to remind her — and so when chef superion had essentially ordered — encouragingly — beatrice into opening her own restaurant after five years of being chef de cuisine and, really, being the quiet driving force behind those three michelin stars, it hadn't even been a question to you that you would go with her. that you would help with the menu and everyday operations; the design and hours of operation; the sustainable sourcing for all of your dishes that she's always been so invested in. that part, while exhausting, had been fairly easy: mary and shannon, who own an urban farm, had been thrilled to partner, and you came up with a collaborative menu together. you were able to secure local seafood from a few suppliers, local ethical meat from your favorite butcher. camila, admittedly your favorite chef from superion's, young and absolutely kind, had agreed to come on and do pastry. you and beatrice had hired yasmine as your sous, trustworthy and smart.

you've been elbow-deep in planning — food, interior, front of house, all of it — for months. you're pretty sure beatrice works, like, twenty hours a day, and doesn't do anything but that. she eats takeout quickly in the kitchen, standing over a trashcan. every friday you barge into her condo and force her to eat greasy pizza and watch reality tv and share a joint. a year or so ago she had asked you to buzz her hair for her and you still do now, weekly, because she's neat and confident and loves efficiency and, according to many, many women unfortunately saying this to you directly whenever you drag her out for drinks, it's hot. she takes you to doctor's appointments and picks up your dry cleaning; she's the only person you let sharpen your knives for you, and the only person you'll share a bed with overnight if you're too drunk or stoned or tired to go home. she never says anything, never minds, just grumbles when her alarm goes off and grumbles sleepily in chinese while she makes herself an espresso.

and so, really, it's your fault. you should've known. you're not sure how you should've known, but you definitely should have.

'so,' you say, lowering yourself into the chair across from her immaculately neat desk in her office in the back, 'i think i found us a sommelier.'

your drinks menu is one of the last things you have to finalize, and beatrice has been so fucking picky about who to bring on to do so. cocktails hadn't been that hard; hans is competent and creative. but the wine pairings have been a pain in your ass: one sommelier was too old to have fresh, exciting ideas; one was a cis white man so beatrice automatically vetoed that, which, honestly, you didn't hate and definitely should've seen coming.

'and who is it?'

'ava silva,' you say, flick open your tablet to his profile: ava is young and renowned already, and has experience with local, natural wines and restaurants all over the world, especially europe, brazil, and east asia. she is, you realize later with a heartfelt deep annoyance, beautiful.

'ava silva,' beatrice repeats. she reads through ava's profile, her accomplishments and accolades and references. 'they worked with taian table.' beatrice hums. 'i've heard of them.'

'yeah.' you force yourself not to roll your eyes at her reluctance.

'ava is available to meet for a consult?'

'tomorrow, if you want. i can take care of the oyster tasting if that helps.'

she laughs, and you let yourself crack a smile. 'i don't even want to be a part of your oyster tasting, lilith.'

'just because i have fun —'

'sleeping with our supplier better not backfire on us, that's all i have to say.'

and maybe you should've realized right then, when beatrice's eyes lingered on ava's professional headshot on her website, on her impressive accolades. 'i am a consummate professional,' you tell beatrice.

she shakes her head, fondly, and leans back in her chair, runs a hand over her hair. 'fine,' she says, 'i'll take the meeting with ava.'

'great,' you say, relieved in the moment. 'what's the worst that can happen?'

/

very soon, unfortunately, you find out: beatrice is fucking insufferable. ava is even more insufferable, flirting with horrible humor and fond, relentless teasing. beatrice is, somehow, blushing and stumbling around like a schoolgirl, despite her attempts at being a serious, focused chef. she burns her hand on a pot, sets a towel on fire, and spills a red wine reduction all over her favorite apron the first time ava is coming to try a few dishes on the menu.

'jesus christ,' you say, maybe a little bit of a prayer, 'what the fuck, chef?'

beatrice groans. 'ava is... pretty.'

she says it reluctantly, like it's terrible to admit. ava is definitely annoying, but even you have eyes. 'yes, we all know after having to watch you fumble around during one meeting that you think ava is pretty.'

'and,' she says, a blush spreading across her cheeks and down her neck, 'he's smart, and funny, and has an amazing palette.'

'well, he better.' you deflate a little; it's disarming to see beatrice this nervous, especially when it has nothing to do with her food being reviewed or rated. 'listen, beatrice,' you say, trying your very hardest to be gentle, just this once, 'this menu is gorgeous. i came up with eighty percent of it —'

'— you did not —'

'— so i can assure you that ava will love it, and that we can pair wines that will be excellent. and don't tell anyone i said this, or i legitimately will kill you, but you're an... impressive person. you're a remarkable chef. ava would be a fool to not see that.'

beatrice lets out a big breath. 'okay.'

'plus, it's kind of fun to see you trip all over yourself because of a crush.'

'i'm going to go change now.'

'yes, because you spilled because of a crush.'

'see you later, lilith.'

'yeah, yeah,' you say. 'i'll make sure to overcook the egg noodles, just for you.'

/

it's your fault, for sure, because you said yes to doing the food at their wedding — to make it worse, excitedly. it's gorgeous and it's a huge pain in your ass because there's, like, every cool chef in the world there, and a ton of Wine People, and beatrice has been traveling with ava filming something, so you've been running the restaurant. but still, beatrice gives you a hug and ava, terribly, kisses your cheek. they're both beautiful, and their backyard is full of edible flowers and herbs and vines with wine grapes. at one point, beatrice snags you by the hand to dance with her, which you protest for posterity and eventually give up on, as you always would have anyway. as you always have.

'thank you,' she says, 'for this. it's the best meal i've ever eaten.'

'i'm certain that's not true.'

she shakes her head; she's tan and has more freckles than you've ever seen on her, stretching across her cheeks — they'd gotten to film in brazil, apparently, where ava is from. but here it is, really: the whole world, right there, and beatrice has chosen to love you. she's chosen to want you as her sister, and you have always chosen her back.

'i'm really glad you're happy.'

'thank you,' she says. 'i am so happy.'

you roll your eyes. 'i know. it's nauseating.'

'lil.'

'after all of this, i want two weeks off when you're back from your honeymoon.'

'done.'

'well, a positive outcome, at the very least.'

she laughs.

'it's my fault, anyway. if i had just found a less beautiful, boring, straight sommelier...'

'i'm going to go dance with my wife now,' she says. 'love you.'

'yeah, yeah.' you squeeze her hand, linger for a moment in how softly she says wife, just because it's gentle and sweet and you don't hate seeing her this happy. 'love you too.'

[quietwingsinthesky]

hi i think your fics are very cool! idk if its too early to send this but for the hurt/comfort prompts, could i request something with the master and yaz in the swap au?

hello anon i love you forever for this. fic be upon thee.

There's a question Yaz got asked a lot in the weeks after she ran away and came home.

Do you feel you are a danger to yourself or others?

So she knows, intimately, that it's a question meant to be lied to. The answer is always no, if you want help, if you don't want to scare anyone, if you want to be treated as a person.

She imagines asking the Doctor, "Are you a danger to yourself or others?"

And she imagines how easily he would lie, "No, Yaz, I wouldn't hurt a fly."

The Doctor hisses sharp under his breath as he snaps his hand away from the console. She knows he's cursing at the TARDIS, whether she understands the language he's using or not.

"Shocked you again?" Yaz says, and the Doctor jumps from her, hand on his laser screwdriver faster than she can blink. Her feet move faster than her head, stumbling back behind the safety of one of the arching columns. She doesn't hear the sizzling energy of him shooting at her. Graham's had closer calls than that. She lets out a breath, her heart racing, and peeks back around the column. The Doctor's eyes are dark and sharp, darting around where she'd been until he finally spots her and the screwdriver falls slowly to his side. "Sorry. I thought you knew I was there."

"I should put bells on all three of you," he mutters. His gaze tilts back to the console, eyes narrowing, and he pounces on the controls like he can take them by surprise. They visibly spark under his hand. He stumbles back, yelling in pain as the TARDIS ignores him, and Yaz darts forward to grab him by the shoulder. Fresh burns curl around his palms. He jerks under her grip like he's going to try a third time, but she keeps him still until his head snaps towards her, lip curled around her name, "Yasmin!"

"You want to keep having a domestic with your ship, or do you want to do something about this?" She gestures at his hands, careful not to brush them. He looks long and hard at the TARDIS console before relenting, though he pulls himself free to march his way down the hallway. Yaz follows, in time to reach the medical room a few seconds after him and stop him from grabbing things himself. "No, just tell me what you need, and I'll get it." She's familiar enough with this place. His bedside manner might be terrible, but he's patched the three of them back up before. She tries not to think about how many times he's had to, but they all came out of it fine, in the end. She barely even still gets little twinges in her stomach where she was gutted once. "Let me doctor you, Doctor."

She expects a smile, at least. She gets one, but the moment between lingers too long.

"Fine," he says. "Those two bottles and some bandages. I don't want to have to look at it." The bottles click against each other in Yaz's hand.

"Squeamish?" she asks.

"Bad memories," he says, darkly.

She could push. She could keep asking.

She doesn't.

"This might sting," Yaz says, less because she knows it will and more because she has a little sister and that's the sort of thing you're meant to say when you're about to rub ointment on a wound to keep someone from squirming. The Doctor's palms are blistering, the worst of it charred black. She doesn't flinch from the sight. She rests the back of his hand in hers as she spreads the ointment out across his palm in even strokes, covering every inch of the burns. She coats his fingers in it gently, working her way up and between them.

The Doctor isn't looking at his burns. He's looking at her. She keeps her head down and her gaze fixed. Her cheeks can't be burning as obviously as they feel like they are.

"You'd think with all the times it's attacked you or thrown us off-course, you'd find another ship." Yaz lifts his other hand in hers. He's always warmer than her, and that's harder to ignore when she has to keep touching him. She tries to focus on the burns, the way they disrupt the soft skin of his palms. Softly, she thinks she can feel his heartbeats through the back of his wrist. "Unless it's unique. You never said."

"She is," he answers before directing the next few words at the ceiling, "or else I would have scrapped her!"

The TARDIS does not respond.

"Yeah, that's… probably why it tries to kill you," Yaz says. The Doctor scoffs, but it rounds around a smile. She's not sure if she put it there or if he just feels like surviving his own ship's murder attempts is a victory.

"She belonged to my friend," he says after a few minutes, as Yaz is wiping her hands clean to bandage him up. The burns are fading before Yaz's eyes, but he asked her to cover them up and she does. She winds the bandage around his palm again and again. "You would have been so impressed with him." Yaz isn't sure she's ever heard the Doctor sound that way, entirely unadulterated affection. She's so used to every word out of his mouth feeling like it might bite someone.

"Where is he?" Yaz dares to ask. It's a poor decision. The Doctor's soft expression slams shut.

"Dead. Exactly how he wanted to be. Fighting a good fight far away from me." He takes his hands away from Yaz. For a moment, he admires her handiwork. Yaz holds her breath, waiting. She feels ridiculous for doing so, and yet. "Thank you." He says it like it hurts to get out of his throat, and she hoards it close to her chest all the more for that.

"Maybe leave the ship be for tonight?" Yaz says. "You could… stay for dinner?"

"No," he dismisses. "She'll learn to obey me, whether she wants to or not." With that, he stalks out of the room. Yaz sighs quietly, but that's about what she expected.

[alwayzraven]

Kardeşlerim Ep 129

Seval called the police and told them that she killed someone. They brought her to the police station to interrogate her. Seval said that she tried to get Gokhan to the car but he woke up and tried to strangle her so she hit him with a rock to defend herself and that’s how he died. The police asked her if she buried him alone and she said that she did. Berk called Aybike and told her that he got a call from the police. They told him that they found his father's body and that Seval was the one who killed him. He was on his way to the police station with Ayla and Elif.

They did a one-month time jump.

Yasmin was avoiding Berk for a month at school. Berk told her that she doesn’t need to avoid him because of what her mom did. He told her that his father tried to kill his mother and then Aybike so anyone would've done the same thing as Seval. Aybike didn't tell him the truth. I am guessing the writers are trying to “create” some drama using this in the future but it doesn’t make sense because Berk knows that his father tried to kill Aybike and Yasmin saved her. Plus, he told Aybike that he was scared that his dad died not because he loved him but because he was worried that she would be arrested.

Berk and Aybike took Umutcan to the doctor so he could get vaccinated. Berk was able to distract him so he doesn’t cry when he sees the needle. After that, Berk and Aybike took Umutcan somewhere by the sea. Berk was playing with Umutcan. He told Aybike that the weather was getting cold so they should dress him in something warm. Aybike was going to make umutcan wear a jacket but Berk told her that he will do it. Aybike watched as Berk dressed Umutcan.

Berk told her that they should go to the stationery store and buy supplies so they can make kites with Umutcan and fly them. Aybike said that it was a great idea but that she had never made one before. Berk told her that he knows how to make one. When he was in primary school, they had a “father’s day”. It was a day where fathers of students would come to school to do an activity with their children. The activity was making a kite together however, Resul didn’t come because he was busy working. Berk said that he was sad because his dad didn’t come but then he saw that his mother came. Berk said that they made the most beautiful kite that day.

Aybike looked at him playing with Umutcan and said:” You’re going to be a great father”

Berk:”Are you sure? because I have never experienced a father's love before."

Aybike:”I am sure. I am very sure of it. You will be the kind of father you dreamt of having.”

Berk said that he thought about what kind of father he would be in the future. He said that he would never lie to his kids and he is not going to be a workaholic. He said that he would spend his time with his kids and that he is going to love them with all of his heart.

Aybike:”Wait, when you say “kids”, how many?”

Berk:”I mean, maybe 4, maybe 5 but look even if we have 5 children, none of them will cause you any difficulties. I will look after all of them and they are going to be well behaved. I promise you”

Aybike:”5?”

Berk:”Yes, 5, Aybike. Okay, for you, 3 (as in he will settle for 3 kids instead of 5)”

Aybike:”3?”

Berk:”Yes, 3. My lucky number is 3, by the way”

Aybike:”Okay, then let's have children according to your lucky number.”

Berk:”Yes, let’s. What’s your lucky number?”

Aybike:”1”

Berk:”It’s not 1, don’t lie.”

Aybike:”2, okay, a girl and a boy”

Berk:”What’s the difference between 2 and 3?”

Aybike:”No Berk, 3 is too much”

Berk:”Five!”

I don’t know how he went from 5 to 3 then back to 5 again 😂 Why do the men on Kardeslerim always want to have a football team of children. I think Doruk wanted 5 children too. The scenes with Umutcan were cute but I think the fans were sick and tired of the lack of scenes for Ayber in the last couple of episodes that they don’t care anymore.

Apart from the 3 min Ayber scene with Umutcan, the rest of the episode was boring af. I can’t wait for S5.

[capybaraonabicycle]

for the reverse troupe prompts, "Soulmates who are fated to kill each other" with Jenny/Vastra mayhaps? 🐝

Okay, it is way too late and I might not have caught all mistakes and errors. But I have posted the fic! 🥳 I hope you will enjoy it, @temultlaudna!

Here you go:

Silurian Venom (Jenny/Vastra)

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Doctor Who (2005) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Jenny Flint/Madame Vastra, Jenny Flint & Strax, Jenny Flint & Clara Oswin Oswald Characters: Jenny Flint, Madame Vastra (Doctor Who), Strax (Doctor Who), Clara Oswin Oswald Additional Tags: Minor Clara Oswin Oswald/Danny Pink, Mentioned Danny Pink, Minor Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Minor Amy Pond/Rory Williams, Mentioned Thirteenth Doctor, Mentioned Yasmin Khan, Mentioned Amy Pond (Doctor Who), Mentioned Rory Williams, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Monster Hunters, Minor Character Death, Doomed Relationship, Friendship, Fluff and Angst, Flirting, Kissing Summary:

Ever since Silurians have cursed humanity, it can be fatal to fall in love, everyone knows that. Strax is aromantic and non-human, he is in the clear. Clara has a strict 'no third date' rule, lest she develops feelings. And Jenny doesn't let anyone close enough she could potentially fancy. They have lost friends to the curse, but they are still standing, still together. Until one day they hunt a Silurian and Jenny barely escapes with her life. But has she really escaped if she keeps wishing she could see the Silurian again?

Thank you so much for the prompt and for inspiring this fic! I have been having a lot of fun with this little AU 🥰 I hope you will, too!

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

still thinking about yaz travelling with 10 so heres what i have so far:

she runs into him in london coming out of an interview for unit or smth, a couple of months after potd. for him it's in the gap between waters of mars and end of time. hes So Messed Up and yaz is like oh i know this. this is familiar. this might not be my doctor but,,,,this is my doctor

hes like oh what year is this? i was aiming for- and shes like dont ask me i keep getting it mixed up too. and hes like thats a bit of a strange thing to say, do we know each other? you seem familiar. shes like yes we've met

she surmises he doesnt have company bc hes all high on ginger and not trying to hide it. then shes like youre not flying like this, can i take you anywhere bc this is a fucking tardis and a fucking doctor available to her and how many more times is she gonna get this opportunity? never? once, and she has to wait for it 40 more years? no way is she just gonna walk past and go home. shes gonna do what shes always done and buy herself a little more time

she lets herself into the tardis, too sure of herself for him to really do anything abt it, as she asks "where did you say you were going?" he closes the doors "eternity"

"eternity?" she looks at him "is that a euphemism"

"it's a planet. in the larger magellanic cloud. thought maybe i should check up. sorry but who are you, exactly?"

shes like yes. um. yasmin khan. im a friend. as she stares at the tardis in wonder like the first time she walked in. and the tardis lights up bc she doesnt care about linear time and she loves yaz. so yaz starts putting in coordinates. she has to search for some of the controls bc the console is different but it's not too bad

"well thats great to hear, yasmin khan. can never have enough of those"

"larger magellanic cloud" she says looking at the navigation on one of the screens. "dyou ever think it's maybe a bit weird to name things in space after colonists?"

"well depends whos doing the naming. we dont call it that"

"no? what do timelords call it"

"and seeing as it were human colonists who settled there, maybe the name fits"

"there goes my faith in humanity" and she pulls the takeoff lever

the flight is bumpy as ever and when muscle memory fails her three times in a row shes like oh my god WHERE is your conceptual geometer and instead of pointing it out to her he just walks over and adjusts it and the way he does it is so familiar she has to blink hard a couple times

they might or might not end up on eternity but they certainly run promptly into trouble. yaz is a bit mysterious to him, a bit suspicious maybe because she wont answer any question directly but shes able to anticipate him so well that teamwork is pretty much seamless and theyre both running away from something so their motives line up and their need for something fun and exciting and distracting to happen too and also hes lonely and despite the way she basically hijacked his tardis he likes yaz bc of course he does

they match up timelines while hiding from guards, whispering about 1969 and weeping angels and "oh THATS why i dont remember, two doctors in the same place same time" and he figures out yaz travelled with future him

yaz drops a "she" and hes like "she??" and shes like oh shit should i not have said that and hes like no it's fine. and then hes like "does it suit me?" and she does Not manage to blink the tears away at that one

"is it something i said?" and then the guards spot them and hes like "RUN"

the ease with which he takes her hand as they run is lovely and horrible at the same time. she lets herself be dragged along while she thinks about the way 13 shook them off almost any time any of them touched her

a week & 8 planets in and shes been held by him more than shes been held by 13

they become buddies in like the way that you can sometimes become buddies with the younger sibling of your best friend or something. hes probably too heartbroken and messed up to develop a real crush but it's still yaz right? you know the way 10 kisses claras hand in the day of the doctor? that vibe. and yaz, with the benefit of.........foresight? hindforesight? picks up that vibe here that she couldnt with 13. bc 10 is young and a fountain of emotion compared to 13

my yaz is pretty firmly a lesbian so even if she was gonna get over the like very recent heartbreak and younger sibling vibes then still nothing was gonna happen here but theyre also both not in a place where they could cope with another heartbreak like that so like,,,,,,they both know, and they both know that they both know, but they dont need anything more so it just kinda makes them better buddies. sometimes youre a little bit in love with your friend in a way you dont want to act on. just another thing to bond over

and for yaz it's maybe a little bit healing to get 10s adoration like that

at some point the fact of meeting in the wrong order also comes up of course. yaz is like it's a little bit complicated, i dont know what i can say and 10 is like meh follow your instincts, youve got good ones i can tell. and if theres really something you shouldnt say i'll stop you

yaz is like does that happen a lot, as a time traveller i mean, meeting people in the wrong order? and 10 is like [THINKING ABOUT RIVER] "from time to time"

i just think theres a lot of potential for fun with the two of them. both of them running from the inevitable. not wanting to lose who they are, wanting more time as this version of themselves

yaz will learn so much about the doctor that retroactively contextualises a lot of 13, which i think could help in getting a little bit of closure. and theres so much river echoes sort of going in both ways. yaz flying the tardis with 10 because she learnt with 13, river later flying with 11

i also think seeing the way 10 is about his principles compared to how 13 was would be interesting. she would see a lot of the ways the doctor has grown up. yaz got to see so much of 12 in 13s trauma but she never got to see how 12 learnt and grew to become the 13 she loved. i think it would be special to see 10. see how they used to be. and also slap him on the fingers sometimes when he needs it

i dont know how to end it yet because that will just be more tragedy. 10 still ends up in end of time. yaz still ends up home. but maybe they can help each other a little bit in the time inbetween, even if the end theyre running from still comes to them both

[myfandomrambles]

C-PTSD & BPD Doctor

(Doctor Character Study part 3D.1)

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptoms overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid

[Thirteenth Doctor will be in 3 parts due to length. Find the whole thing on AO3]

13th Doctor 1.

The Thirteenth Doctor is an interesting presentation of the C-BPD The Doctor has as she is both written and viewed to be very disconnected from the previous Doctor’s traumas, leading people to only see her dealing with trauma after she lost Gallifrey again and that the only trauma affecting her is The Timeless Child realisation. I posit that she always had trauma responses before TV: Spyfall pt 2. Her traumatic content in her body is held in the line of anxiety, hypervigilance, difficulty regulating emotions and being fully closed off about her history and emotions during her early stories. Trauma also comes out increasingly as a fight response later in her run, there are threads throughout her whole time making her very fascinating and complex.

Her agitation, agitation anger, hypervigilance, uncovering of past trauma and social difficulties and more are worth going through and analysing. 

A place to start with some of the basic triggers The Doctor experiences and trauma responses. Commonly a fight response. These incidents do not only happen in ways that are not as extreme or disconnected from the situation she is in. (TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Resolution, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Fugitive of The Judoon, TV: Revolution of The Daleks, TV: Eve of The Daleks, Prose: The Good Doctor, Comic: New Beginning, & Comic: Old friends )

An interesting early reaction of agitation we see her venting her frustration of being “too nice”, a response that screams strongly of a trauma response due to the struggle of being stuck in a situation that she had specifically warned Yaz against. This petulant comment highly references a fight response. (TV: Demons of The Punjab)

Of course, some of her strongest triggers have to do with facing her old enemies who have caused her a lot of pain. In TV: Resolution we see how she deals with her first Dalek in this regeneration. Starting when she first identifies the Dalek and going forward she is in a state of hypervigilance and a very strong fight response. 

“Doctor:...Let's see what we've got. No. It can't be.

Yasmin: Doctor? I don't like it when you go quiet.

Doctor: This is the DNA of the most dangerous creature in the universe.

Graham: Does it have a name?

Doctor: A Dalek.”

&

“Doctor: I'm going to find that creature.

Yasmin: You can't do that on your own.

Doctor: Always have done. Me and a Dalek, it's personal. Go on, get her safe.”

When faced with Cybermen she has a strong fear response that comes out in both fight and flight response and the need to protect her friends. The fresh loss of Bill to the cybermen along with other past people he’s seen become Cybermen, like Danny [this is an example even if he was dead to start with, the indignity in death still strains The Doctor’s emotions.] 

We can see this in TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati: 

“Doctor: One Cyberman, but then thousands. Humans like all of you changed into empty, soulless shells. No feeling, no control, no way back. I will not lose anyone else to that. Do not follow me.”

And continued into TV: Ascension of The Cybermen

"Doctor: I know.

Yasmin: They destroyed everything we brought with us.

Doctor: I know.

Ryan: We haven't got anything else to defend ourselves or them.

Doctor: I know! Listen to me. Do not argue. Go with the humans. Help them. Get them out of here. You won't make it back to the Tardis alive. Make sure you're with them.

Ryan: What about you?

Doctor: I'll hold them off.

Graham: How are you going to do that?

Doctor: This isn't a discussion.

Yasmin: We're not just gonna leave you.

Doctor: Yes, you are. You have to, all of you. No questions. Get out. I've been so reckless with you.

Yasmin: What are you talking about?

Doctor: You're human. If they capture you, they'll convert you. I'll find you. Get safe now!"

This interaction showcases a lot of the exhaustion and anger being triggered into remembering her worst memories, along with the reasonable fear of the situation and responsibility for her friends. 

Emotional lability presents with The Doctor; depressive, hyper, excitment anxious, frustration, and hostility. (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: Kerblam!, TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Resolution, TV: Revolution of The Daleks, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, & Comic: New Beginning) A reference to this is mood issues is  in TV: Orphan 55

“Ryan: I'm up for a free holiday. Where is it?

Graham: A place called Tranquillity.

Yasmin: Me too. So long as there's plenty of sun and absolutely no deep-space squid. Might get you out of your mardy mood.

Doctor: My mood's fine.

Ryan: That's you told.”

I will break down these emotions throughout the rest of this analysis. 

She deals with a lot of anxiety (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: Rosa, TV: Arachnids in The UK, TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: Demons of The Punjab, TV: Resolution, TV: Spyfall pt1/pt2, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Nikola Tesla's night of terror, TV: Praxeus, TV: Eve of The Daleks, TV: Power of The Doctor, Prose: Combat Magicks, Comic: Hidden Human History & Comic: Alternating Current). 

The Doctor tends to show her stress in a way that looks like what we view as anxiety. She’s not afraid of being viewed as anxious by her companions. It makes perfect sense she would be anxious due to her current past situations. Her specific expressions come through clearly and I think this is to some extent something that she views as acceptable to experience possibly because it doesn’t give much away. The Doctor is also relatively aware of her anxiety an example can be seen in TV: It Takes You Away:

“The Doctor: All right, no need to panic.

Yasmin: I wasn't panicking.

The Doctor: I know, I was talking to myself. Cos all this is very wrong.”

A way we can see the anxiety come through is that she talks a lot when under stress, both in the way The Doctor does to stall for time when thinking of a plan but also when there is no automatically viewable stressor. (TV: Ghost Monument, TV: Rosa, TV: Kerblam!, TV: Demons of the Punjab, TV: The Witchfinders, TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Spyfall pt2, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: The Vanquishers, TV: Eve of The Daleks, TV: Legend of The Sea Devils, Prose: Molten Heart, Prose: Combat Magicks, & Prose: The Secret in Vault 13)

An example is in TV: Arachnids In The UK we see the habit coming up during social interactions separate from fighting or other dangerous situations:

“Doctor: Look at your views. Never had a flat. I should get one, I'd be good in a flat. I could get a sofa. Imagine me with a sofa, like my own sofa, I could get a purple one and sit on it. Am I being weird?

Ryan: A little bit, yeah.

Doctor: I'm trying to do small talk. I thought I was doing quite well.

Yasmin: Needs work.

Doctor: Maybe I'm nervous. Or just socially awkward. I'm still figuring myself out. You really like junk. Are you collecting it, like stamps?”

Hypervigilance related to anxiety is something Thirteen experiences. Here hypervigilance is related to more paranoid thinking, seeing a threat coming up and carrying stress and alertness in the body. This concept can explain some of where her stress symptoms are rooted in. Her life experiences keep her head on a swivel so to speak. It’s useful for her life and it only worsens as time in her regeneration passes. (TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: The Witchfinders, TV: Resolution, TV: Spy Fall pt2, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Fugitive of The Judoon, TV: Can You Hear Me, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: Once, Upon Time, Prose: The Good Doctor, Prose: The Good Doctor, Prose: Molten Heart & Comic: Alternating Currents)

We can see her reference the way she views safety in Comic: New Beginnings, linked to how her hypervigilance functions in her life. 

“Doctor: It's very rare to find true safety and certainty in the universe...”

Another moment we see The Doctor discuss her view on how they interact with safety can be seen in TV: Once, Upon Time:

“Doctor: I spend my life walking into new places and weighing things up fast. Who's who? Who has the power? Who's in danger? How fast danger is coming. Also, how likely my friends are to die. I've got good at figuring all of that out at speed.”

The Doctor even voices how she experiences hypervigilance in TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati:

“Lone Cyberman: You appear courageous, but your vital signs betray a heightened state of anxiety.

Doctor: Or as I like to call it, Tuesday.”

A related symptom of hypervigilance and anxiety is agitation. She shows that she is on edge and sitting at a proverbial level eight in stress. This expression of stress becomes stronger as time passes and with the experiences with the destruction of Gallifrey, The Timeless Child & Flux. ( TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: Resolution, TV: Spyfall pt2, TV: Fugitive of The Judon, TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: Revolution of The Daleks, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, V: Once, Upon Time, & Prose: The Secret in Vault 13) 

In Prose: Combat Magics we see this reference when it describes that The Doctor is “prowling like a caged cat”.

Not having access to a full range of internal regulations can create conflict with other people. 

We see when her anxiety is raised due to being separated from her TARDIS and being injured she becomes agitated and acts abrasive towards people trying to be helpful. She keeps talking and disrupting the ship in a conversation with the medical Doctor which could damage other people in TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum:

“Doctor: What were you worried about? Just as I was waking up, you... you saw something and you were worried.

Astos: No.

Doctor: Ooo, bad liar. Must be difficult in your job.

Astos: Hey, I'm an excellent liar.

Doctor: So you were lying, then.

Astos: I didn't say that.

Doctor: See? Bad liar.

....

Astos: Enough, now. You can't be in here. I don't know what that device is, but if you don't leave, I have to restrain you

...

Astos: Don't! If you interfere with the navi-systems, they'll take it as an act of hostility or hijack. They can detonate the craft.

Doctor: I'm not being hostile!

ASstos: Yes, you are. You're being hostile and selfish. There are patients on board who need to get to Resus One as a matter of urgency. My job is to keep all of you safe. You're stopping me from doing that.

Doctor: You're right. Of course, you're right.”

Another example of this can be seen in TV: Orphan 55 in her conversation after she has had to deal with a threat to her friend. 

“Hyph3n: Guests aren't permitted in the... linen cupboard.

Doctor: How about Pan-galactic Standards and Practices Officer? Health and Safety? Security and Hygiene? Resort Inspector. Now, are you and your excellent tail going to let me have a look, or am I going to have to bark at you? Cos I will.

...

Doctor: Oh, yeah. Of course. Deadlocked room with its own armoury. Don't tell me. Honeymoon suite.

Kane: Hyph3n, what the hell are you doing? Who's this?

(She turns The Doctor around.)

Doctor: I'm The Doctor, and you, madam, are far too handsy.”

As we can see in these examples her agitation can come out as being abrasive with other people and it can cause problems when communicating with other people. (TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: Once, Upon Time, Prose: Combat Magicks, Prose: The Secret in Vault 13, & Comic: Hidden Human History) We know she wants to communicate to some extent and will take in some of what others say but it’s still clearly a difficulty she has. 

In TV: Fugitive of The Judoon we have an example of this. 

“Doctor: She said she was my past, but I know my past, and she's never been me.

Graham O’Brien: I'm sure there's a simple explanation.

Doctor: Time is swirling around me. The Master, Captain Jack Harkness, Ruth. Something's coming for me. I can feel it.

Ryan: Let it come. You've got us.

Doctor: Ryan, I've lived for thousands of years. So long I've lost count. I've had so many faces. How long have you been here? You don't know me. Not even a little bit.

Yasmin: Don't talk to him like that.”

They say nice things after this moment, and Thirteen appears to appreciate what they are saying. The TARDIS sides with them as well, and they quickly get into their next adventure and we see it takes a lot of time for them to fully communicate. 

Thirteen’s trauma causes her to tend to have a proverbial film between her and her companions, or ‘fam’ as Thirteen refers to them. This version of The Doctor very rarely lets them into her history and her inner world. We see her care about her companions in series Eleven at the same time they know very little about her. She will let them in on her nerves, and she asks for reassurance from them. But they don’t know the why behind any of it, and even the emotions she does share very rarely go deep. She oscillates between wanting them to close because she cares for them, and holding herself behind a wall. ( TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Resolution, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, & TV: Revolution of The Daleks)

This is very pronounced in the way it takes till TV: Spyfall Pt. 2 for her to tell them even the basics like her home planet, age or regeneration. 

“Graham: They're right. Five planets, you've barely said a word.

Doctor: I'm fine.

Graham: Why don't you ever share anything with us?

Doctor: I share stuff.

Graham: Not about yourself, though.

Ryan: Yeah, you know everything about us.

Yasmin: And we know nothing about you.

Doctor: Fine. What do you want to know?

Graham: Who are you, Doc? I mean, really.

Doctor: I was born on a planet called Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. I'm a Time Lord. I can regenerate my body. I stole this Tardis and I ran away. I've been travelling ever since. The Master was one of my oldest friends. We went very different ways. Questions?”

In TV: Resolution we see another nod towards this wall she keeps with her companions. 

“Doctor: Ryan's Dad.

Yasmin: It's complicated.

Doctor: Yeah. Dads are, so I've heard.“

This shows a bit of how the wall works, she is a father in multiple ways over time and has Susan who is her granddaughter. Past Doctors have mentioned they were fathers, even if they tend to never go into much of it. Twelve says “Dad skills”. (TV: Listen) Ten tells Donna about his children whom he lost in TV: The Doctor’s Daughter. Not only does she not tell any of them about having children she explicitly says that she’s only heard about it. While a small moment compared to others it’s still an example of her tendency to isolate her heart from her friends. 

This can also be seen as the line of purposeful self-isolation. Just not sharing but pushing other people away. (TV: Orphan 55, TV: Fugitive of The Judon, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: Eve of The Daleks)

A humorous reference is made towards The Doctor’s broken communication style in TV: Orphan 55. 

“Doctor: Oh. Come on. This is not the way to resolve a family dispute. How about good old-fashioned passive-aggressive discussion?”

While a joke it shows the cynical mind state The Doctor is in this episode, and also is honest for this Doctor. She doesn’t spend a lot of energy on her communication. 

In instances where she is fighting a bad guy, she can come across as less anxious when she is 1-on-1 with an enemy than in other situations. (TV: Rosa, TV: Demons of the Punjab, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: The Vanquishers, TV: Eve of The Daleks, TV: Power of The Doctor & Prose: The Secret in Vault 13). During TV: It Takes You Away The Doctor shows a lot of anxiety when only with friends or with other people but shows more competence when talking to the Solitract. 

This Doctor also struggles with impulse control. (TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: Demons of the Punjab, TV: Kerblam!, TV: Spyfall pt2, TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Resolution, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: Eve of The Daleks & Prose: The Secret in Vault 13) 

She can become very wreckless at times, her impulse control putting herself and/or others in danger.  This behaviour is seen right away during TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth. We see The Doctor be willing to jump distances, wanting to turn on sirens, taking Ryan Sinclair’s phone and reworking it before even thinking to ask. In TV: The Witchfinders we see her dive headfirst into the water to save someone, while the right thing to do, it shows a degree of acting without fully considering possible consequences. 

The behaviour can veer into recklessness. We can see this starting all the way back in her first episode in TV: The Woman Who Fell To Earth she starts her life jumping distances she can’t fully judge as someone who has a new body. During TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, she acts dangerously by taking the Cyberium in and then giving it over to The Lone Cyberma,/Ashad. 

Thirteen deals with a lot of anger (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: Rosa, TV: Spyfall pt2, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: War of the Sontarans, TV: once, Upon Time, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: Survivors of The Flux, Prose: Combat Magicks, & Prose: Molten Heart)  Which gets worse after the destruction of Gallifrey and the retraumatization.

In TV: The Timeless Children we see a lot of a fight response coming out as anger. Starting with her interactions with The Master before the reveal. While commenting on The Master’s problems and his anger you can see and feel how she is angry and intentionally getting The Master worked up with her prodding. 

“Master: ... All gone now. Come on, ask me why I did this.

Doctor: Why did you do this?

Master: Not telling you. (laughs) Oh, crack a smile.

Doctor: Proud of yourself?

Master: Definitely.

Doctor: All this death finally made you happy?

Master: Ecstatic.

Doctor: And has it calmed all the rage?

Master: I don't think anything will ever do that. We're going to take a tour through the Capitol. Or its ruins, at least. Things I need to show you. And, er, I know you're worried about your friends. Plotting how to get away. I can see it in your eyes. But you can't help them, so don't even think about it”

Her reaction when faced with the memories of her abuse later in this episode causes a strong fight trauma response. She physically attacks The Master in an explosive outward response of anger. We know when The Doctor uses anything physical with her own body it is actions like Venusian Aikido that act as a quick disabling move versus these more unplanned and violent actions. It makes sense that this moment would push her over the edge, but it’s interesting to mark as we move forward. 

In TV: Revolution of The Daleks The Doctor tells Ryan about her anger after the events of her loss of Galifrey, people dying, the Timeless Children revelations and the interactions with The Master.

“Ryan: And The Master? What did he want with you?

Doctor: It doesn't even matter now.

Ryan: No, no, no. Don't give me that. Right? I see what you're doing. You're trying to avoid the subject. We've known each other long enough now. I know when something's changed.

Doctor: Me too. I'm not who I thought I was, Ryan. What I always knew to be the story of my life... isn't true. I wasn't born on Gallifrey. Where I'm from, all the lives I've lived, some of that has been hidden from me, and I don't even know how much.

Ryan: Seriously? And how do you feel about that?

Doctor: Mostly... angry. While I was locked away, all I kept thinking was, if I'm not who I thought I was, then who am I?

Ryan: You're The Doctor. Same as before, same as always.

Doctor: Right. Same Doctor, same Ryan. Nothing's changed.

Ryan: No. No. I didn't say that, did I? Things change all the time, and they should, cos they have to..."

This is an interesting conversation as it reveals the emotional state of The Doctor and how this emotional instability forces her to be willing to sacrifice a TARDIS, something we know has consciousness. Her fight response is very clear here, breaking through her common engaged and anxious headspace. 

Her anger and frustration can also come out cold, especially when dealing with people she doesn’t like. It heavily connects to a jaded sense of dealing with other people, she tries to be positive but there is anger and bitterness that highly impact her and can form an interesting dichotomy with her love and enjoyment. (TV: The Woman Who Fell To Earth, TV: Arachnids In The UK, TV: The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos, TV: Resolution, TV: Spyfall pt1/pt2, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Fugitive of The Judoon, TV: The Timeless Children, TV: Revolution of The Daleks, & Prose: The Good Doctor)

In TV: Rosa we see this ability to have her anger come across as cold, this allows her to stay in charge of a situation while still expressing her anger outwards to people she doesn’t trust or does not need/don’t deserve her to empathise with them like in TV: Rosa.

“Doctor: ...So, temporal displacement weapon. Horrible things. Can't stand them.

Krasko: Thank you.

Doctor: Not a compliment. Takes a lot of power to displace things in Time. I think you and I both know your weapon's pretty much out of juice. And I've got your spare battery. You've been leaving traces of residual Artron energy all over 1955.

Krasko: And what are you, the Artron Police? Maybe you are. The blue box in the alley. Is it a Tardis?

Doctor: Might be. What's it to you?

Krasko: Well, it could be worth a lot.

Doctor: Nah, not that one. Second hand, huge mileage, one careless owner. Mind you, it's better than a Vortex Manipulator, like the one on your wrist. Cheap and nasty time travel.

Doctor: So, what do you want with Rosa Parks?

Krasko: Who?

Doctor: Oh, now you're being annoying.

Krasko: The feeling's mutual.

Doctor: How long have you been here?

Krasko: Get out of Montgomery.

Doctor: You're not the first to say that to us.

Krasko: If I see any of you again, I will kill you.

Doctor: Don't threaten me.”

Her agitation, anxiety and hypervigilance can leave her in a very restless state. (TV: The Woman Who Fell To Earth, TV: Arachnids in The UK, TV: Kerblam!, TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Spyfall pt1/pt2, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: Praxeus, TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, Prose: The Secret in Vault 13, Comic: New Beginnings, & Comic: Alternating Current)

The Doctor shows a strong need to be in control of situations, when she isn’t able to have a handle on the situation it increases the above-mentioned stress symptoms. She also uses her cold anger to maintain her control. (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: Arachnids In The UK, TV: Kerblam!, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: Praxeus, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: Survivors of The Flux, Prose: Combat Magicks, Prose: The Good Doctor, & Comic: Hidden Human History)

The above quote from TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum after the loss of her TARDIS also shows the need The Doctor has to control the staff of the ship as well as putting her needs above the others when in a distressed state. In TV: The Witchfinder we see how being perceived as female puts her in a space where she is seen as having to automatically be less powerful, she consistently pushes back, and while warranted the way she goes about it matches other times she tries to maintain control. 

In TV: Fugitive Of The Judoon we have the way she tries to control the situation when the Fugitive!Doctor is trying to handle things. Thirteen can’t help but try to be the one who is manipulating events. 

“Fugitive!Doctor: She's nobody.

Doctor: Fine. I'm nobody. Absolutely nobody. See, I know why you want her. You've got a contract, fair enough. But you? You want her dead because she left her job?

Fugitive!Doctor: Shut up.

Gat: Is that what she told you? This goes way higher than me.

Doctor: So, who would that be? Who are you all ultimately working for? I'd really like to know. Really.

Judoon: Information confidential.

Fugitive!Doctor: I told you to keep quiet.

Doctor And look where that's gotten us. Lots of guns in lots of faces.

Fugitive!Doctor: And have you got a better idea?

Doctor: I do, actually. My favourite. The curveball and the Judoon. You wanted to find The Doctor?

Fugitive!Doctor: Don't you dare.

Doctor: Well, here I am.

Fugitive!Doctor: Will you be quiet?

Doctor: Go on, scan me.

Judoon 2: Fugitive match positive. Fugitive match positive.

Fugitive!Doctor: Is there even a word for how dumb you are?

Doctor: Doctor?”

In TV: War of the Sontarans we see how The Doctor challenges the power structure out on the field of battle, knowing she is the best option for survival, as well as having a dislike for those in charge. The people she is around don’t trust her to handle what she can because of her perceived gender and her wanting to avoid violence on the soldiers. 

A way this control is sometimes maintained is through having a bravado of how she interacts with other people. (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: The Witchfinders, TV: Spyfall pt2, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: Survivors of The Flux & Prose: Combat Magicks)

This can play into overconfidence like when she goes to face the Dalek in TV: The Eve of The Daleks getting her and her friends exterminated. This shows again in TV: Power of The Doctor when she takes time to gloat towards The Master and ends up getting shot and regenerating. 

In TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati we have an interesting comment on the power and control in her relationships and how it isn’t always something The Doctor wants but has become what they feel they have to do:

“Doctor: ... The world you came from, the world you were created in won't exist, so neither will you. It's not just his life at stake. It's yours. You want to sacrifice yourself for this? You want me to sacrifice you? You want to call it? Do it now. All of you. Yeah. Cos sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit in the stratosphere, alone, left to choose. Save the poet, save the universe. Watch people burn now or tomorrow. Sometimes, even I can't win.”

This line means The Doctor doesn’t like control, but shows that control has become compulsive and built into how they function on a base level. 

While Thirteen doesn’t talk about her past regenerations or the ideal of The Doctor it’s still a huge part of her schema. ‘The Doctor is an ideal can be seen in this Doctor even if she talks about it less than the previous regenerations. But her struggles with identity are still very visible before and after the Timeless Child. 

She seems somewhat afraid of who she is. As discussed above she kept a film between her and her companions which makes it easier for her to not have to fully face it. Some of this seems to stem from her introduction to this regeneration being born from the suicidal space Twelve lived in. As well as she has lost many companions in ways where they are cut off and the perceived betrayal of Missy. As well as her first adventure ending with Grace dying. Forming the idea of who she is while she is still 'fizzing'. (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth)

Her strong identity issues spiral out of control after the loss of Gallifrey and then the Timeless Child. (TV: Arachnids In The UK, TV: Demons of the Punjab, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: The Timeless Children, TV: Revolution of The Daleks, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: Once, Upon Time, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: Survivors of The Flux & TV: The Vanquishers) 

In TV: Resolution we see The Doctor discuss her identity in terms of her long and horrible relationship with the Daleks. 

“Doctor: I learned how to think like a Dalek a long time ago.”

&

“Doctor: Oh, mate. I'm The Doctor. Ring any bells?”

She doesn't seem happy about her being able to understand Daleks, understandably she dislikes weapons and hides a lot of the violence-related trauma she has. Trying to integrate all of history is extremely hard for Thirteen who deeply wants to be a good and hopeful person. But in the second line when no one is looking at her she experiences glee in scaring the Dalek. She owns her name/title very strongly to get one up on the Dalek, but it hurts to do so when she would have to do more than threaten an enemy. 

Another key part of This Doctor’s characterization is a consistent need to present herself as hopeful and nice, moralising for herself and others,  and her history of connection to violence. She wants to consistently try and give people hope, even if her ability to feel it herself might be affected due to the stressful mindset her C-PTSD puts her in during the early part of her run and becomes stronger as time goes on.

Right off the bat in TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth we get a very prototypical Doctor quote while she is getting in touch with who is going to be. 

“Doctor: We're all capable of the most incredible change. We can evolve while still staying true to who we are.”

&

“Doctor: There's one thing I'm certain of. When people need help, I never refuse.”

A moment of trying to give others hope that is deeply genuine even with the grief overlaying it was in TV: Demons of The Punjab. During the wedding scene, she wants to believe and wants to be kind. And it was kind. She understands war, grief, and the loss of those closest to you. These are the moments when the silly old-time traveller is truly The Doctor. 

“Doctor: I know there aren't many certainties in any of our lives, but Umbreen, Prem, what I see you in you is the certainty you have in each other. Something I believe in my faith. Love, in all its forms, is the most powerful weapon we have, because love is a form of hope and, like hope, love abides in the face of everything. You both found love with each other. You believed in it, you fought for it, and you waited for it. And now, you're committing to it. Which makes you, right now, the two strongest people on this 

planet. Maybe in this universe.”

A similar situation happens in TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum where The Doctor invokes hope in a way that is both being kind as well using the idea as an identity support. 

“Doctor: Thank you, Mabli. I'll be sure to tell them how brilliant you were.”

Mabil: You all were. Light in dark times.

Doctor: People prevail. Hope prevails.

During TV: The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos we see her again invoke hope in a way that is slightly less meaningful and comes across as nicer than it does kind. It is part of a pattern she’s created for herself. 

“Doctor: None of us know for sure what's out there. That's why we keep looking. Keep your faith. Travel hopefully. The universe will surprise you... constantly”

This functions as a pillar of their identity, needing to be a positive person to embody “laugh hard, run fast, be kind.’ Part of her need for control, and having a tendency towards black-and-white thinking.

[blizzardfluffykpop]

No Matter What

Summary: After trying to have kids for years, and coming up short, you decide to visit a clinic to see what was wrong. 

Oneshot

Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Married au

TW: Infertility Issues 

Word Count: 2,670

Requested: would it be possible to request a dino x reader where the reader finds out from the doctor that they can't have kids (reader has a uterus) and has to tell dino?

Husband! Chan (Dino) X Afab! Reader

A/n: Also, you do not have to be married to have kids with someone, I just like the thought of husband Chan– And if you are having fertility issues, just know you’re not the only one, and that I promise someone would love you whether or not you can have kids or even have a slim chance of having them. They’ll love you for you. 

------

You wake up with your guts turning into knots after an afternoon nap with Chan and get out of bed. With hope, you shut the bathroom door, and your upset stomach disappears as you pull out a new test. “This is it. I’m sure of it.” You whisper to yourself as you hold out the stick and wait for the three minutes to be over. You pray and pray, hoping this time is different. The timer goes off, and you turn it over to see the minus sign. If you weren’t trying to get pregnant, you would be ecstatic. But now that you’re trying for a baby, and it's still coming out negative, it's making you feel hopeless. With a sigh, you throw the stick into the trash, wipe your tears of frustration, and get cleaned up. You swear you felt morning sickness, but your nerves were getting the best of you again. 

You hear Chan outside the bathroom door, “Babe, I’ll be back in twenty. I’m going to get our pizza!” You call out, “Okay, be careful! I love you!” He calls back, “I love you too!” You refuse to cry as you look back over at the trashcan. You wash your hands, hear the front door open and close, and whisper, “I guess it’s finally time to call.” You find your phone after drying off your hands. You dial the number to the clinic and walk out of the bathroom, thinking of all the possibilities. Maybe something was counteracting your combined efforts.

The receptionist asks you about your reason for calling, and she tells you about Doctor Yasmine, who specializes in fertility. You ask for the next available appointment, all while pacing. And she tells you that tomorrow at noon is the earliest she has, and you take it. You hang up with a heavy heart, deciding that going alone is your best option. Especially on such short notice, no matter how much he was by your side. There were some things you had to face alone, and this is one of them. Even if you want him beside you to hold your hand through it, you right yourself before heading up to your shared bedroom. With two cokes in hand as Chan comes back with a pizza.

You put on a brave face and act like nothing’s wrong, although your stomach keeps twisting into knots over your thoughts. You try not to let on as you eat pizza side by side, but Chan knows something’s on your mind as you eat your favorite food mindlessly. He doesn’t push you to tell him, knowing you'll let him know when you’re ready. He kisses your forehead as you watch an action movie together. You push back your negative thoughts and take in the moment. You were spending a day in bed with the love of your life, maybe if nothing else, as long as you were with him, it was okay. After dinner, you lean your head against his shoulder and watch as the main character defeats the villain. You both cheer and put the trash beside the bed and watch a few more movies before curling up together and falling asleep. 

------

You go to the doctor to see if there is something you can do. Maybe you weren't having sex properly? You concluded on the drive over that it couldn't be the case. You sighed, got out of your car, and made the trek over to the clinic. “Hello there! Did you have an appointment? If not, we have a thirty-minute wait right now.” You put on a brave face and go, “I have an appointment with Doctor Yasmine.” She smiles, “Ah, okay, have you been here before?” You shake your head no, and she hands you some papers to file. You finish filling them out as your name gets called to go in. You hand the paperwork over to the receptionist, who thanks you. And follow the nurse into the room who weighs and measures you. You follow him into the room and tell him the medications you take. After checking the rest of your vitals, he tells you that Doctor Yasmine will be in the room in a few minutes. You nodded and thanked him before waiting for her. 

She comes in with a big smile, “Hello, I’m Doctor Yasmine. It's nice to meet you, (Y/n)." You smile and tell her it's nice to meet her too, and she continues, "Today, I’ll conduct a few procedures to see if we can narrow down the issues.” You nod as she walks through the steps to make you feel more comfortable, and you ease yourself into it. Maybe it’s going to work out, and you won’t have to worry. You convince yourself before she finishes up with the tests and asks for you to sit back up. She bows her head and tells you that she’ll be back with the test results in ten minutes. 

Once she leaves, all you can think is, ‘I wish I had Chan with me,’ as you start fidgeting with your wedding ring. You spin it round and round while you wait for Yasmine to come back. Maybe you weren’t doing it right. And you just had to change something. What if there were specific days you had to have sex? No sex on the day of rest? Maybe that was it. Yeah, that had to be it. As you hold back your tears, already concluding it wasn’t possible for you. 

Doctor Yasmine returns and asks, “Do you want the good news or the bad news first?” You sigh, “I could take all the good news I could get right now.” She nods, “You don’t have any sexually transmitted diseases.” You crack a smile before she sighs, “This next thing I’m going to tell you is hard to take in.” You gulp, and she hands you a box of tissues. 

You take them wordlessly, and she says, “You’re infertile.” You pull a tissue out as she looks you in the eyes, and you ask, “Does that mean I can’t-?" Before you can finish your sentence, she nods, and you burst into tears. It was Chan’s and your dream to have kids together. And it’s just been smashed to pieces. She pats your shoulder, “I’m sorry, no one wants to hear that when they want to have kids.” You nod and cry harder, no longer able to keep your composure. 

“Will you be okay to drive? I can have Yuna call your emergency contact.” In sniffles, you go, “I don’t want him to know yet. I’ll be fine to drive. I think I'll need a few minutes to absorb this.” She nods, although you can’t see it through your tissues and tears. “Okay, please know you’re not the only one. And if you need professional help, I can recommend an amazing therapist who deals with infertility issues.” You nod, and she goes, “I’m going to leave you here now. Take as long as you need. I know this is hard news to take in. I wish you well, and I promise your significant other will accept you just the way you are.” She steps out of the room, and you wail. You want to curl up in a ball, fall asleep, and wake up to find this was all a bad dream. It couldn’t be your reality, you think to yourself, but you know it's the truth. 

You let a few more tears out before carefully getting off the cot. When the thought hits you, how are you going to tell Chan? What would he think? He’s always supported your decisions and held your hand through the most difficult of them. But what about decisions that your body has already made for you? Was this going to be any different? You lose your motivation to leave as you slump into a chair, having no more tears to cry. ‘Fuck’ you mutter that’s the only word that comes to mind as you think of all the dreams Chan and you will never get to fulfill. You look at your ring before remembering the promise you both made to each other that night. “From this day forward; in joy and in sorrow; in sickness or in health; to love and cherish as long as we both shall live.” If that vow meant nothing, nor did any other promise. You know deep down he would accept you, but it was a matter of telling him the truth. 

You get home after pulling over a few times and letting your emotions out. You pull off your coat and stumble out of your shoes. Go to the kitchen and grab a can of beer, thinking that would ease some of your worries. It’s Chan’s favorite. You pop it open, take a sip and go upstairs. You wanted Chan's comforting presence, even if you didn't know how to tell him why you needed comfort. You slip on his hoodie, take in his scent and go back downstairs. You wrap a blanket around you and turn on the tv, hoping the weather could bore you to tears. You gulp down some of his beer, and you smile to yourself, he sure couldn't pick a beer but at least it tasted good. You down the rest and don’t feel the slightest buzz, but you couldn't care less. 

You eventually fall asleep to the forecast playing in the background. You wake to see Chan sitting underneath your blanket-clad legs and playing on his phone. He smiles at you, “You’re awake!” You gasp, finally your safety was home, “I’m so glad you're here!” You reach up and hug him. He immediately wraps his arms around you. When you pull away, he asks, “You only watch the weather when you’re sad. What's wrong, baby?” You look up at the ceiling, “I thought I’d have more time to figure out how to tell you.” He tilts his head at you in confusion, “It’s okay if another test was negative.” You shake your head, “Yes and no.” You fight the tears that wish to come out just for one to betray you. Chan immediately swipes it away with his thumb, “Baby, it’s okay. You can tell me.” You gulp as a few more tears come out, and Chan reaches out and holds your hand hidden in the blankets. He wipes your tears and pulls you closer to him. And you whisper, “I went to the clinic.” He nods for you to go on, “They uh,...” “They um.” Sensing you’re about to break into tears, he pulls you from your blankets and into his chest, still holding your hand, “Yeah?” 

You gather the little courage you have left, “I’m infertile.” And you cry into his chest as you apologize profusely, and he lets out an ‘oh,’ which makes you cry harder. “You don’t have to apologize.” He whispers into your hair, and you continue to mutter apologies, maybe more to yourself than to Chan. He kisses the top of your head as you continue to cry it out, and he lets a few tears out himself. You both weren't able to have kids physically together. It only cracked his heart a bit, but as long as you were together, it didn’t matter. 

Yeah, he had to let go of the dream of watching you carrying your shared creation. But it didn’t mean you couldn’t have a family: you could adopt or have a family of pets. And he was happy with the notion of either or even a combination. Because if it was with you, it was perfect because he loved you whether or not you could carry children. Hell, he had started dating you with the notion you guys may never have intercourse. And he was okay with that too. Because, for you, he’d be willing to do anything. Especially after having married you, he knew whatever happened. He was ready to face it as long as it was beside you. 

When your tears turn into hiccups, he pulls you gently away from his chest and looks you in the eyes. “Do you remember the night I proposed to you?” You think back and go, “Yeah.” He smiles, “I told you that whatever happened from that moment on, I would be by your side. That, I loved you more than the number of stars in the sky.” You sniffle and struggle to keep eye contact. “And then the night we married, I agreed to love you ‘in joy or sorrow; in sickness or in health, to love and cherish as long as we shall live.’ in our vows?” You nod and look down at your intertwined hands, “I promised that no matter what, I would love you, and you being infertile is not an exception.” While you had no tears left to cry, it didn’t stop you from sniffling, “Really?” You rub your eyes and finally look at him and see the tears in his eyes too. 

You immediately reach your free hand to wipe the ones that slip away, “Would you doubt me when I say I love you no matter what?” You gulp, “I would never. I love you no matter what too.” He gives you a small smile and tells you, “This is just a change in direction, not a dead-end. We may never have kids physically, but it doesn't mean we can't have a family. What matters to me is that I have you. That's all I ever wanted and needed.” 

You thought wrong when you felt you had no tears left, but when you cried again, it wasn’t out of sorrow. It was out of joy. That you had someone who would always love you, and he holds you again as you both take a moment to process it all. You pull away, “I wish you were there with me.” He nods, “I wish I had been there too. I’m sorry you felt you had to go alone.” You sigh, “It's okay. I knew it was on short notice and that you were busy today, so I didn’t want you to cancel for me.” He shakes his head, “You are more important to me than my job.” You nod, “I know. It's one of the reasons I knew I had to do it alone. Because your job is important, it brings others joy–” He rolls his eyes, “I love your endless support of my career, but your well-being matters more to me, baby.” You reach out and grab his other hand, “I know, but we're together now, and that’s what counts.” He smiles and squeezes your hand, “Next time, we will go together, promise?” You nod affirmatively, and you stay like that for a while. 

“I see you have my hoodie on and had one of my beers.” He teases, and you blush, “Yeah.” He grins, “I thought you hated the taste of it.” You laugh, “When you badly need comfort from the love of your life, you’re willing to go to the extremes.” He laughs, and you say, “And your beer is not awful,... just sometimes.” He shakes his head, “I think you just say that to say it.” You smirk, “I do.” He rolls his eyes and kisses your forehead, “I love you.” You smile, “I love you too.” He pulls you the rest of the way out of your blankets, “Let’s go to bed. We can worry later. Let’s rest for now. Whatever tomorrow brings, we'll deal with it together.” You nod as he lets go of one of your hands and leads you up the stairs.

Some things are unforeseen and unpreventable, but it doesn't mean you can't overcome them, especially with Chan by your side. Any trouble or worry is insignificant compared to your love. Because no matter what, you had each other, and that was all that mattered. Things change, but your hearts stay resilient, and you couldn’t be happier to have someone like him.